The thing no one wants to talk about

by - Tuesday, November 01, 2016

I remember the first couple of days when we first brought Ryan-Kate home. It was so foreign being a "mother." Saying the words out loud felt like it was more for my sake than for anyone else. Friends and family came in and out helping with meals, the home, and the new life adjustment. I felt like I was getting ahold of life and being a parent (minus being tired). I painted the majority of the house in-between naps. I even came back to work 6 weeks into my 12 week maternity leave. But then the meals stopped coming, and the family members stopped visiting, and I realized it was just me and baby at home. The realization that this tiny baby was my full responsibility was finally setting in
And that terrified me.
Slowly, I felt my fear creeping in other areas of my life. Work became overwhelming, I couldn't make simple decisions, and I constantly felt like I was drowning. At home, I would just cry and cry because I was so frustrated at myself for what I was feeling. I felt broken, like I was losing my function. 
After a few months of this, I started to look up postpartum depression, and wept when I read somethings, because it felt like I could finally pinpoint what I had been feeling for some time. I felt guilty for what I was going through and didn't know how to ask for help. I just knew that I couldn't do  what I was doing anymore.
Life moves in seasons, and in this season my capacity was different. I realized that I was trying to do life in the same capacity that I once had before Ryan-Kate. She was never the problem, my striving for perfection was always the problem. Now I write a some things on my list that I want to accomplish and I pick two or three. 
And I'm finally okay with that.
I talked with Andrew, I reevaluated my priorities, I humbled myself and adjusted my capacity, and most importantly, I went to the only person who could save me from myself. My relationship with Jesus had to come first, because I wasn't fighting for it, I was running on empty.  Now, my devotions look a little different these days with a 10-month old, but thats life. And I have learned more about the Father's love in this season than I ever did single. It is a new level of vastness that I didn't know I could experience and I wouldn't change that.
I am no longer ashamed, nor should I be. My process and pain can mean freedom for someone else. I chose not to stay stuck in depression, but instead do something about it. If you are struggling with depression or postpartum depression, gather your friends and family around you. 
Seek help. Talk about it. Don't believe the lie of "perfection," because you don't have to have it all together. We are all just trying to figure out life. 
Outfit details: Turtleneck- Target // Pants- Madewell (similar) // Shoes- Calvin Klein (similar)

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