breast feeding

by - Monday, June 20, 2016

There are a few things, in my opinion, that people either under sold or oversold about being a mother. No one can prepare you for the love you will have for your child or how exhausted you will become  or how overwhelmed this new season that you are about to step into will be. Breastfeeding was and is one of those oversold/undersold experiences. 
So lets talk candidly, shall we?
My milk came so fast, that my poor breast still have stretch marks. The first TWO weeks of breastfeeding, my nipples were so raw and tender that every time Ryan-Kate would eat, I would curl my toes to try to escape the pain. Crying, because I felt like I was in over my head.
But then it got better and beautiful and I loved it.
I was producing so much milk that I thought there was no way I could ever run out. Secretly and ashamedly, I felt superior to moms who maybe couldn't do it. I felt like a champion, even though I sometimes hated the interruption in the day and how uncomfortable I felt when my milk came in. I didn't know how to stand or cross my arms. I was self-conscious that everyone would be staring or that my boobs would start leaking suddenly (which they did on several occasions).
Then, maybe I stressed or when I started giving RK pumped milk more and that's what started it, but my milk supply started to decrease. Which got me more stressed, which caused me to go into a depression
I felt like such a failure. Producing milk is something that my body is supposed to do as a mother, and I couldn't give that to her like I used to in the beginning. I would cry thinking of the lectures people would give me or the "mommy shame" that I would receive. Formula is a stress reliever and a mommy guilt trip, but it gave me the sanity that I needed. 
Ryan-Kate wasn't taking to me as easily anymore and all I could think was, "Not yet. I thought I had more time. We can't be finished with this yet." 
You see, this was the moment I realized that I actually loved breastfeeding her. I had no idea it would be that wonderful or that hard. Like extremely hard. 
Now, I can only pump 2 ounces or less a night. I've tried everything and I'm still not giving up. I silently long for the days when it was just me and my baby girl. For now, I will give her everything that I have until it's all gone. 
Many mothers are on my same boat and I just want to applaud you guys. You are a doing great job. It doesn't matter if you breastfeed or formula feed. The best thing you can give your child is love. It only matters that you are there for your baby. So, give yourself some grace. You are a wonderful mother. 

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